Boundaries

The other night I got a text from my 13 yr old. “Mom just told us about how you did (Fill In the Blank) and that’s why you got divorced.” Not the text you’re hoping for on a Wednesday night at 9:45. But that was the text, followed by a suggestion to reach out to his older brother and an assurance “don’t worry, everything’s ok”. And while everything wasn’t ok, hearing him say it made me feel a whole lot better. Over the next hour I connected with my three children who all were part of the “conversation.” I told them I was sorry that mom said that to them, that I loved them more than anything and if they wanted to talk I was here. And if they didn’t that was ok too. 

I called my oldest son who told me he was confused and upset that his mom would tell them about the dirty details of our split. He said he didn’t want to not know about any of it and that what he did understand was that our marriage was rough and hard and he was happy leaving it at that. Which I told him I understood. He also lamented his mom feeling so desperate that she would tell then this "hoping …" he couldn’t even finish the thought. My oldest daughter is coming over tomorrow and we’ll talk but she sent me many reassuring texts as did my 13 year old. We will all talk about this more. But only for a bit unless they want. 

That’s because my personal romantic relationships, even the one with their mom is none of their business. And as parents the worst thing we can do is triangulate our children. They will do it to us often. As the adults in the relationship, we cant. I know some of their trust in me is likely broken. I know this must make them wonder what other secrets exist. But like all messes, we’ll lean into this and grow as a family and make some lemonade out of this shit. 

I’ve worked hard to model intentional living for my kids. They know I regret much about how I was as a husband and know how unhappy I was. And they’ve experienced the last three years since our divorce as three years of me showing up, being the best dad I could be, and putting them first. Which is why we’re going to only be stronger for this. Because we have a culture of growth in our family and we understand everyone fucks up, even Dad. 

I know how I’m going to talk to my kids. I’m going to be honest. I’ll share as much as is appropriate, try to give them what they need to best process this new information, and support them in grappling with yet another example of their father’s fallibility. We can handle this. What I didn’t know what to do about or how to handle was my ex. What the fuck? 

Telling your kids the dirty bits of your former marriage is a pretty terrible thing to do, to your kids. It's generally not a good idea to disparage your ex at all in front of your children. Children get confused when one parent says not nice things about the other, it stresses their sense of loyalty and trust. To drop bombs of information about your ex with your kids is just awful. Our primary responsibility is to protect our children. 
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I cant know for sure why my Ex decided to share some of the messy details of our split with my kids. And I have no control over what she does or doesn’t do so I’m not going to worry about that. But I do know it hurt my kids, it inserted insecurity and questions into a relationship they depend on. And it almost certainly made them wonder what other secrets there are. I cant imagine it had any positive effect on their relationships with their mom either. So before sharing anything with the kids about their other parent, your ex, have a serious conversation with yourself about why you’d do that, whose needs you’d be meeting, and at what cost.