The Affirmation Ratio

 Affirmations are among our most powerful tools as parents. In reality, affirmations are among our most powerful relational tools, period. To affirm something about someone begins with seeing them, appreciating an effort or way of being, and then sharing that appreciation with them. That’s what distinguishes affirmations from compliments or praises; compliments are nice and feel good, but they compliment; they’re additive. Affirmations are responsive or relational; they demand the recognition of a significant effort, way of being, or core value of a person which is both appreciated but even more so, seen. Affirmations are never “nice” or “pretty” or “good”. They respond to an authentic effort, value, or way of being of a person which is why they feel so good and why they're so important to our children. 

That’s because we all long to be “seen”, and “seeing” people is essential to being able to affirm them. What does it mean to be seen? To be seen means that another person recognizes you, your uniqueness, and the seemingly countless ways in which you contribute by doing and being you in the world. In that sense affirmations meet a deep existential need, they affirm our existence leaving the affirmed feeling seen. You can’t affirm someone or someone's behavior before seeing them, really engaging with them and their authentic self. Which is why affirmations are so important to our kids. Children long to be seen, recognized, and appreciated for who they are and who they’re growing up to be. And by nobody more so than their parents. Those affirmations feel like approval early on, but as our kids get older affirmations feed their self confidence and self worth, they are soul food. 

But that’s not all: affirmations contribute to a foundation of trust needed to hear and respond to critique in a healthy manner. That’s right, when a correction or constructive feedback is heard by someone with a strong foundation of affirmations already in place, its much easier to hear the correction, integrate the feedback, and not internalize things leading to all those bad feelings that come along with feeling criticized. When our kids feel seen, when they're confident and have self worth, our constructive (and hopefully gentle) critiques aren't heard as criticisms but rather gentle corrections. 

Which is why I’m a fan of what I call the affirmation ratio. The affirmation ratio is my way of thinking intentionally about how I’m building up and supporting those people most important to me, my kids. I know they need a significant number of affirmations banked every day/week to feel seen, heard and safe. And when they feel that way, that’s when we can also have the hard conversations. Because they know I love them, appreciate them, and that whatever I might say isn't a reflection of who they are but rather, who they can become. In that way affirmations build self esteem and confidence which allows kids to hear “corrections” or “constructive criticism” not as criticism necessarily, but as an opportunity to be better and a safe invitation to try.  So give the ratio a try. Count how many affirmations you can build your kids up with, how much about them you can really learn to see and celebrate, and watch the affirmation magic at work.