The Importance of Sucking

Its not easy being bad at things. It pokes at us, makes us feel vulnerable. And as adults used to focusing on strengths and avoiding deficits, sucking is really hard. But it usually doesn't last for long. More often than not the longer we’re bad at something and the more we do it - that is practice, the sooner we stop being bad at it. It’s how it works. 

Learning new things means starting off knowing little to nothing about them and that can be hard without the right mindset. To be comfortable with beginnings demands resilience, self confidence, and the ability to smile, maybe even laugh at yourself. And these ways of being in the world, I like to call them ways of beginnings, take years to master and are first learned when we’re children. But they are essential to developing the necessary mindsets or orientations to become a learner. 

Think about how it felt when you first learned to …fill in the blank. Nervous and excited feelings often slow our approach, we might walk gingerly up to the plate for our first “up at bat”. Or maybe have nervous feelings as we approach the edge of the pool for a swimming lesson, or ski school, and so on. Knowing we’ll likely fail at first, or simply be “bad at it”, can keep us from trying all together. But that’s exactly the kind of resilience and orientation to new experiences people need to have in order to grow and learn. 

This orientation is often called a growth mindset - the ability to tolerate that learning feeling, the knowledge we might fail at what we’re doing and that’s ok. This “mindset” has been studied for decades and seen as an essential ingredient to achievement. In schools it presents relatively simply, younger students who find themselves devastated by failure tend to both snap back more slowly as well as take fewer risks, limiting their ability to achieve. While children and adolescents with growth mindsets experience failure and setbacks more lightly, consequently they bounce back easily, are likely to learn from their mistakes and most importantly, learn to not take themselves or their mistakes too seriously. As kids get older, without a growth mindset they can find themselves trying fewer new things, anxious about change, and intolerant of risk. Which of course becomes a self fulfilling prophecy as students lean out from challenges for fear of failure and then encounter fewer and fewer opportunities to…grow. 

I often remind my children how just about everyone who’s ever mastered something started out not very good at it. But they persevered. They toughed it out and made it through the “I’m terrible at this phase”. And you can too. Which is among the more important lessons we can teach our kids. There is no shame in being bad at something as long as you're trying to get better. And when you can take your beginnings lightheartedly, when you can laugh at your noviceness, you’ll be on your way to outgrowing it. 

The best way to teach this to our kids, the easiest way to help them grow more comfortable with being bad at things and develop a growth mindset, is to model it. When our children see us try new things, reach beyond our grasp and fail or struggle, they learn that failure is ok. When we can laugh at our blunders and false starts and model a lighthearted approach to beginnings, our kids pick up on it. And when we show them what it looks like to try, try again, work hard and achieve they come to believe they can too.  

An old Jewish story illustrates this mindset beautifully. A new Rabbi came to town and it was his first day leading services. As he approached the front of the room he noticed an older gentleman with his tefillin (ritual prayer clothing), worn incorrectly. Nervous to approach, assuming the older man had put them on this way all his life and who was a young Rabbi to correct this man anyways, couldnt resist. The Rabbi gently and apologetically proceeded to let the older man know his tefillin were on incorrectly, but that it also wasn't a big deal; that he shouldn't worry about it; and so on. Slightly embarrassed and pretty uncomfortable, the Rabbi looked up. And there was the older man looking right back at him with a huge smile on his face. "You don't need to apologize Rabbi, on the contrary I need to thank you. What a wonderful day to get to learn the correct way to do something after practicing for so many years. The greatest gift God gives us is the ability to learn." 

Our kids need to see us suck and fail and not take it to heart. When they do they learn to not only tolerate that uncomfortable, self conscious feeling, but hopefully embrace it. Kids need to feel free and safe to stretch and reach. They need to be comfortable with failure and challenge if they're to reach beyond whats comfortable. And when they see us do that they learn how. So start something new and tell them about it. Let them see your blunders and missteps and laugh with them, and when you do you'll be teaching a valuable lesson. 
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