Transitions

Transition days are hard. When your kids come home from your co-parent’s house they can be a little bit raw. You’ve probably noticed some attitude when they first arrive, a desire to be quiet in their rooms or watch TV, maybe some general moodiness. House switching is rough no matter how good we are at co-parenting. The mental load they carry, of which there certainly is some, weighs on kids. That’s why giving them space and really stretching your empathy practice in those first hours of that first day goes a long way. I like to be sure to have a stocked kitchen when they arrive, all their favorite snacks on hand, and I try to bake something the night before or quickly that afternoon so there’s a plate of cookies or banana bread or something. The truth is I use leftover fruit and half the time we just throw it away because no one eats it, but seeing a plate of baked goods on the counter messages something powerful. I’ve been expecting you! Not to mention there’s a sweet smell in the air which is lovely. And when I can't get to it, boxed cookies on a tray on the counter or in the cookie jar does the trick. 

My inclination is to grab the kids, hug them and dive right in as soon as I see them. I miss them when they’re at their moms. But I  resist that urge. My need to reconnect is not my kids responsibility to help meet. That’s the biggy. When the kids come home to your house you're gonna want to jump right in because you missed them. But they’re managing packing up in some form or another, if only emotionally, and switching to their “other house”. And that sucks. Having to live in two places is a burden and its almost always a burden not shared by parents. When you add to that the responsibility of having to meet mom or dads needs to reconnect, that’s a recipe for some seriously deep resentment. “My parents got a divorce and now I’m the one who has to live in two houses.” 

As an aside, that’s one of the good reasons to at least consider nesting (the kids stay put and parents switch out). My family doesnt nest. It was too difficult for my Ex and me, but some folks do and I imagine that makes things a lot easier for the kids.  

But here’s the thing. The kids coming home isn't the only rough transition you need to support. The same goes for when the kids leave, but relative to us. My children switch houses on Monday after school. I drop off in the morning and my ex picks up. And my drive home and/or to work after drop off can be a tough one. The fomo I often feel when my kids aren' t with me is the real thing, and I need to practice some serious self care or else I can find myself doing absolutely nothing other than waiting for them to get back. 

On transition days give yourself the same kind of support, love, patience and understanding you give to your kids on those transition days. On the Monday evenings when my kids are first at their moms house, I practice a lot of self-care. I clean up the house, I work out, maybe play basketball. On those first evenings I like to go out with friends, maybe to a bar or dinner. Unless I’m feeling down in which case I rent a movie and order whatever I want for takeout or delivery. Not having to negotiate everyone’s dinner preferences is also a silver lining.
In coparenting families and the like, house-switching and transitions abound. They're important moments in the day and week that require a lot of support, not just for our kids before ourselves. Don’t forget to practice self-care around those liminal moments. Changes can be rough, even the ones that happen often and regularly. How we manage them is everything.